Holly the Waitress
by The Creatress
Summary: Holly is undercover as a waitress, and Artemis shows up simply to make a bad day even worse. ... Okay, fine, I'll call it what it is - PWP.


Disclaimer: Not mine. The original series would have been less intelligent, and much dirtier if it was.

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Author's Note:

I still love you... I'm not gone for good. I just needed to put some stuff back together in my offline life before I could come back. Loved you, and missed you terribly while I was away.

- The Creatress

P.s. There were probably a few raised eyebrows at the context of this fic. Yes, that's right. My triumphant return to A/H fanfiction starts off with shameless, plotless smut...

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**Holly the Waitress**

For what seemed like the fiftieth time that day, Holly tried fruitlessly to stretch her skirt, pulling the hem down with one hand, whilst clutching the top to keep it from sliding. The red uniform skirt wasn't _terribly_ short – stopping at a couple of inches above her knee, it was still longer than the skirt of the average Catholic school girl. But to someone who was used to pants and shorts, Holly felt just a _tad_ uncomfortable.

Holly was also wearing a short sleeved white button-up shirt, with a bronze nametag over the left breast. The nametag bore her real name – "Why make things more complicated than they need to be?" Foaly had asked, dismissively. The undercover mission was topside. As a human, Holly knew it didn't matter what first name she used. (Her surname was Flowers. Holly had simply bit her tongue, only acknowledging it with a small eye roll. Foaly had impressively noticed that it was taking less and less to get on the redhead's nerves – maybe she _could_ handle a waitress job for a few days). In fact, Holly took the job with grudging acceptance, her only major demand being that her undercover job be completely classified. Unless it was absolutely necessary, unless it was a life or death situation, the fact that she was working as a waitress would not be disclosed to _anyone_.

Not that Holly was ashamed of being waitress, but she didn't need the added stress that would be caused by the immaturity of LEP officers. Not to mention how her boyfriend of a year would react – Artemis would never let her live it down. She'd had an insane thought about how he'd bug the place to get pictures, or at least, steal some footage from Foaly.

With a frustrated sigh, Holly gave up on the skirt, and wrapped the white apron around her waist, tying it behind her back. She had only gotten stuck with this job because of the experience she had with both humans and waitressing. She was finding it rather difficult to remember the details of waitressing throughout college, having repressed those memories as soon as she quit. However, the owner of this diner had been mesmered into thinking she was already trained and ready to go, freeing her up to do her real job.

Holly frowned, glancing at her watch. Her shift started in ten minutes at 4pm. The disguised dwarfs she was supposed to be keeping an eye out for weren't expected to arrive until 8pm, if they showed up at all. Lovely.

Holly glanced at her reflection in washroom mirror as she turned to leave. As a human, she didn't look too different than usual. Her ears were rounded, but that was it. Holly was grateful for this, because her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail at the back of her head, and (irrationally, she knew) she felt like having her hair fall free around her shoulders would only emphasize the revealing uniform.

As she walked onto the floor to start her shift, muscle memory kicked in, and she started remembering survival tips. Focus on the positives... Yes, there are rude customers, but just as many nice ones. Yes, the outfit is... _Urgh_, but at least the slip resistant shoes are comfortable.

The owner of Dione Horton's Diner, Ms. Dione Horton, seemed like a gruff woman at first glance. But Holly learned that though the 25-year-old cook was very no-nonsense, she was a good person at heart. Dione preached the same thing as Holly's old boss at Spuds' in Haven – always be polite, always provide good customer service, the customer is always right, etc, etc. However, she was also known to snap at her employees to take quick breaks when they looked overtly tired or run down. ... Then again, she dressed her employees in short skirts, so who _knew_ what her deal was.

Dione unceremoniously tossed Holly a pad of paper with a pen through the spiral. "You're in section B. Good luck, new girl." With that, she turned back to the deep fryer.

Holly smiled to herself as she walked over to her first customers, a smiling old couple. Maybe this wouldn't be as terrible as she'd thought it would be.

**Ten minutes later...**

'D'arvit my life, d'arviting dwarfs couldn't hang out at a d'arviting shooting range, d'arviting customers, d'arviting menu, shut the d'arvit up, Dione, I want to quit, why can't I d'arviting quit, d'arviting undercover...'

**Three hours later...**

Holly was in the break room, massaging her head, resisting the urge to curl into a fetal position and cry. She chose not to do this because the employee break room wasn't big enough to lie down horizontally anyway. The room was more of a large closet, with a table against one wall with two chairs around it, and a coat rack taking up the other side of the wall. Holly had to leave the door open to keep her claustrophobia in check.

So far, her break had been spent responding to angry messages from Foaly and Artemis, who was wondering where she was. She had texted a brief report to Foaly, before simply telling her boyfriend that she was "stuck at work."

Another waitor, Daniel, a cute, flamboyant gay guy, skipped into the room. "How're you holding up, hon?" he asked, patting Holly's shoulder.

Holly made a noise that sounded like something between a grunt and a sob.

"First day's always the hardest. You'll get the hang of it soon." Daniel gave Holly's shoulder one more squeeze. "Did I tell you what happened at the mall today?"

Holly spent the remainder of her break, listening to Daniel talk about how he almost squeezed into a pair of size two pants at the mall. "I knew they wouldn't fit." Daniel frowned, his voice melancholy. "It was futile. But I kept praying to God, please, _please_ let them fit..."

Holly couldn't help a small smile, even though her mind kept wandering back to all the terrible customers she'd had already, and the more that were sure to come during the dinner hour rush. In the past two hours, she'd gotten a few polite customers, a lot of rude ones, and quite a few who gave her tired pick up lines. These latter ones also seemed to think that their phone numbers were suitable replacements for actual tips.

Groaning, Holly stood up. "Gotta go back now," she said apologetically, finishing her coffee as she rose.

Daniel nodded, taking a sip of his caramel latte. "Remember. Create a happy place, and set up camp."

Holly actually chuckled as she placed her mug on top of the backroom counter, where a mountain of other dirty dishes was steadily growing. The dishwasher beneath was already humming, and Holly groaned as she walked back to the floor, hoping they wouldn't have to stay late to do the dishes.

Happy place... She tried to choose between her apartment, or the LEP gym, or Artemis' room, and it was a little bit easier to smile as she went back to her customers.

Just before the clock struck 9pm, Holly's mood had degenerated back to how she'd been before her break. The dwarfs had not appeared, and her customers grew stupider as the day wore on. She sighed heavily. At least, she hadn't made any terrible mistakes today. No one had complained about her and there was only another hour before closing. The worst of the day was over.

As soon as the thought settled, Holly's spine tingled. She straightened, and looked around the busy diner with a small frown, suddenly feeling like something was about to happen.

Just then, out the window, her eyes caught sight of a black car pulling up to the diner. As soon as she saw it, her whole body went numb. She knew it was futile, but... 'Oh, Frond, please, _please_ let that not be - '

The driver's door opened, and Artemis Fowl stepped out. Shades covered his eyes, but Holly felt his gaze on her, though the rest of his face remained neutral. Holly's grip tightened on the pot of coffee she was holding as he walked to the front door.

"Frond d'arvit my life..." Holly suddenly heard a low whistle, and turned to see Daniel gazing across the diner at Fowl.

"Ohh, hot stuff, hope he sits in my section."

"I hope so, too," Holly deadpanned, moving to serve her customers.

'Real conspicuous,' Holly thought dryly. More than a few people looked curiously at the young man in the suit, but when Artemis simply walked in, taking off his shades, sat down (yes, in Holly's section), flipped open a laptop, and continued to be boring, the other patrons lost their interest and went back to minding their own businesses.

Holly glanced morosely at Dione. She had her back to her, but the woman seemed to have a sixth sense for detecting when her employees went rogue. Holly set the pot of coffee down and went to Artemis' table, trying to keep herself from stomping. She slapped down her pad and pen onto the table once she reached it. "Why are you here?" she asked, irritation clear in her voice.

Artemis didn't look up from his laptop. "Is that how you speak to all of your customers?" he asked, evenly.

Holly almost groaned out loud, but swallowed it and took a deep breath. "This can't be happening..."

Artemis was frowning at the screen. "Are you going to take my order, or do I need to speak with your manager?"

Holly sighed. "Fine. What do you want?"

Artemis' icy blue eyes were suddenly on her, and Holly felt a familiar lurch in her chest, the panic of having upset someone she shouldn't have. However, unlike when she felt it at Spuds, it was now accompanied with further irritation, because she was _not_ a real waitress.

And yet, Holly found herself backtracking. "I'm sorry. May I take your order?" As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Holly wished she could take them back. Anyone else would have thought nothing of the words 'may I take your order,' but when one was in a relationship with Artemis Fowl, that had apparently been the worst way to phrase that question.

"Yes, you may _take_ my _order_." Artemis's eyes slowly swept over her, his gaze more forceful, more _intrusive_ than the petty leers of any of her other customers. Holly felt herself start to react, her whole body start to get warmer, before he met her gaze. "Coffee," he said, simply, and the turned back to the laptop.

It took Holly a second to realize the conversation was over. "Coffee," she muttered to herself, leaving to get it. When she went to the counter to get it, she found Daniel, and their supervisor, Alexa, drooling over the china.

"Oohm'gawd," Daniel groaned. Holly guessed that he might have been trying to say "oh my God."

Alexa managed to form words. "What did he order?" she whispered excitedly. By her tone of voice, she could have been sharing tonight's winning lottery numbers (a few of her patrons had informed Holly that the jackpot was $10 million).

"Coffee," Holly stated, picking up a fresh pot. As Alexa handed her a clean mug, she added, "I don't he's here for the food though. He's just here to make trouble for me."

Alexa frowned. "What do you mean?"

Holly, realizing she'd said too much, moved to recover. "I just mean he's one of _those_ customers, you know?"

Alexa giggled. "Want me to take him off your hands?"

Holly was shaking her head before her brain registered the motion.

"Are you sure?" Alexa pressed.

"Hey!" Dione bellowed, making the three of them jump. "Get back to work," she said to Holly. "Daniel, Alexa, it's 9pm, go away."

Daniel slumped. "But I wanna stay and watch the hottie..."

Alexa took his arm and led him away. "Come along, Danny Boy, I'll take you to a gay bar. Because I'm nice like that."

Holly had to keep herself from slamming the mug down on Artemis' table. He paid her no attention as she poured the coffee. "Anything else?"

"That'll be all for now."

Holly narrowed her eyes at the top of his head, wondering what evil deeds he was planning before turning to walk away. She had not take more than a few steps before –

"Miss."

'Are you d'arviting kidding me?' Holly turned and walked back to Artemis. "Did you just call me 'Miss?'" she asked, disbelievingly.

Again, Artemis didn't look up from the laptop. "Yes, I did. Are you hard of hearing or were you just unable to understand the word?"

Holly stared at him, not knowing what to think. There was no sign of amusement or teasing on his face. As closed as he could be, she could usually read him – there was a twitch, a clench, _something_. But today, she could have been one of the many people he first perplexed and then crushed on a daily basis. If she hadn't been waitressing for the past five hours, Holly would have felt a bit upset. However, circumstances being what they were, she was just thoroughly annoyed.

Fine. Fine, she'd play his game. "Alright, sir. Is there anything else I can get for you?"

Instead of the smug smirk she'd expected, Artemis slightly raised an eyebrow at the screen, as if he was surprised she'd started to be polite. "This coffee is unacceptable."

Holly just gawked for a second. "What's wrong with it?" she finally asked.

"The quality," Artemis frowned. "It isn't _particularly_ your fault, but I will be ordering another beverage."

"What would you like?" Holly asked, evenly.

"What are the options?"

Holly stopped short. She didn't know what the other options were.

"You're unfamiliar with the menu. Quite professional there."

"I will bring you a menu," Holly ground out, picking up his coffee. She tried to keep from growling out loud as she took the coffee back and picked up a copy of the menu. She walked back to Artemis' table, and set it down.

Artemis didn't even glance at it. "I'll have the earl grey tea."

Holly restrained from telling him how much of a fiendish evil jackass he was. "Yes, sir." As she turned, he stopped her.

"Aren't you going to write it down?" Artemis asked evenly.

Holly glowered at him. "Earl grey tea. Got it."

"With or without milk?"

Holly paused. "You never _said_ - "

Artemis brought a hand to his temple. "Look, I'm going to repeat my order, and I would feel much more comfortable if you were to write it down."

Holly gaped at him, before remembering her resolution to play his dumb game. "Fine," she sighed. "I'll write it down." She reached into the pocket of her apron for the pad, but it wasn't there. Holly frowned, glancing back toward the counter to see if she'd left it there.

"I believe you dropped it."

"What?" Holly's gaze fell, and there it was, beside Artemis' foot. Holly didn't have photographic memory, but she wasn't forgetful either – she suddenly remembered slapping the pad down on the table, and then leaving it there. Obviously, he'd pushed it off... As this thought settled, Holly knew her next move, and for the first time that night, had to keep from grinning to herself. "Thanks for finding it for me," she said, sweetly.

Holly turned so that her back was to him, and bent at the waist, trusting the skirt to do its job. He might be able to irritate her by being irritating, but she would irritate him by being – "_Ow_!" Holly jumped into a standing position and leapt away from the table. Feeling the eyes of everyone else in the diner, Holly laughed nervously, trying to ignore the stinging pain on the side of her arse. "Thought I hurt my back, but I didn't. Go back to enjoying your food."

The patrons turned away, and Holly rounded on Artemis, who looked utterly unrepentant. "Your back?" he asked. "You really should bend at the knees. Practice proper ergonomics."

"You _pinched_ me!" Holly hissed softly. She bit back a whimper. "It really hurts."

"Darling, I have no idea what you're talking about," Artemis intoned. "Will you ever see to getting my tea?"

Fuming, Holly spun around to get the earl grey tea. Her arse and the side of her leg stung with every step she took. She was so upset she hadn't noticed the nickname – something he called her rarely, but called her alone. A small crack in the facade. But again, Holly was too upset to notice.

Holly poured the tea, sulking, and carried it across to Artemis. The walks between his table and the counter seemed to get longer, especially because of the pain. As soon as she set the cup down, Artemis sighed softly. "What now?" she asked, wincing at how whiny her voice sounded.

"This is why I told you to write it down," Artemis said, matter-of-factly. "You forgot the milk."

Holly's temper flared up, and she was even angrier at herself for realizing that he _had_ mentioned the milk before. She turned and limped across the diner, the pain only getting worse, got the pitcher of milk out of the small refrigerator behind the counter, and slowly made her way to him.

"Took your time, didn't you?" Artemis muttered, eyes fixed to his screen.

Holly tipped over the pitcher, pouring enough milk into the cup that tea rose to the rim and overflowed onto the saucer. She didn't stop until the saucer was full to its brim. Then, she gently set the pitcher down.

For a second, they were both still, staring into the cup. Artemis spoke first, glancing evenly at her. "You do realize that was more milk than I would have preferred?"

Holly nodded. "I'll get you a new cup of tea," she said softly.

Artemis raised an eyebrow at her before turning back to the laptop. "Please do."

Holly wordlessly picked up the tea and upturned it over Artemis. The tea hit his chest, drenching his shirt and tie, making him leap up in surprise. Holly watched with satisfaction as he stared down at himself in shock. Some customers gasped, and others erupted into cheers at the display, bringing Holly spiralling back down to earth.

Holly stiffened, her heart plummeting, as she took a step back. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

Dione was suddenly at Holly's side. "I think you're done for the day, kid, get out of here," she scowled, as she handed Artemis a towel.

Holly ignored her pain and shot into the employee break room, which was, thankfully empty. It was 9:30pm, which meant she had half an hour to compose herself before more people ended their shift at 10pm. She tried to sit down, but her arse smarted at the contact of the hard chair and she stood, trying not to sob. This was possibly the worst day she'd had in... She groaned, unable to finish the sentence.

Holly was facing away from the door when she heard it click shut, and she almost spun around in panic, but something shoved her forward, making her clutch the sides of the table for support.

"Don't move."

"Ar-"

"Don't speak," Artemis interrupted. He pushed her forward by the shoulder, making her bend at the waist over the table. Holly felt her legs tremble, her heart skipping a beat as she felt the material of his slacks on the back of her legs. "Don't make any noise, or you'll completely ruin this mission."

The side of Holly's head was against the table, but she couldn't quite see him. "Mission?" she echoed weakly. She had completely forgotten about it. "How would I ruin - "

"What do you think would happen if anyone heard you and came running? What would Commander Kelp say when he finds out why you got fired?" Artemis leaned over to brush his lips against her ear, sending electricity running over her skin. "So can I trust you to keep quiet?"

Holly struggled to get up, finding it more of a fight than she would have a short year ago. "We can't do this here," she whispered desperately.

Artemis sighed, pressing his forehead against hers for a second. "Didn't think so," he answered his own question.

Holly heard a strange sound, something like the hiss of a zipper, but softer, lasting just a second. Suddenly, Artemis' tie, still wet with the tea, invaded her mouth. She almost choked on it, trying to spit it out, but a hard slap against her arse stopped her. She cried out, the sound muffled by the tie.

"Listen, Holly, this can go two ways. I came in here to talk to you about what happened. You can be cooperative, and show me how sorry you are... Or I can go out there, tell Mrs. Horton just how ill-fit you are for this position, and then tell Kelp why you got fired."

Holly felt the fight leave her, and she went limp, clutching the sides of the table to ground herself against any more pain the sadist she loved might cause her.

Artemis was rubbing her back almost tenderly. "There's my girl," he said, affectionately, pecking her cheek.

A second later, Holly felt him move the material of her skirt, and felt him against her arse. His hands left her back to circle around her chest, and rip the top of her blouse open, the buttons popping off and rolling off the table. Holly groaned into the tie as he guided her up just enough to allow him to pull her bra down before reaching up to cup her breasts.

Artemis wasn't gentle as he rolled her nipples between his fingers. "At least their shirts are decently fitted here," he muttered, absently. "But we are going to have to do something about this skirt..." Holly whimpered as he ground himself against her arse, before he pulled down her panties. She stepped out of them with no compulsion from him, wincing she felt her walls contract in anticipation. She heard him chuckled softly as he ran his fingers over the bruise he'd given her earlier. "Does it hurt?"

Holly nodded, calling him every vile thing she could think of inside her head. Artemis must have somehow read her mind, because his open palm came down firmly on that bruised area again. Holly almost screamed, but it caught in her throat. The third hit was harder, but on the other cheek, but it was followed closely by a strike to the exact same spot. The next blow was back to the bruised area he had abused before, and the force was enough to push her whole body further up the table.

Holly braced herself for another strike, but she only felt him kick gently at the inside of her right foot, indicating she should spread her legs.

Holly complied, bracing herself, expecting him to touch her slit, but it didn't come. Instead he started to unbutton the rest of her shirt, taking his time as he pulled it off her shoulders. "Arms back on the table," he stated, and Holly obeyed, now wanting to sob in frustration. She was wet, and so ready, and she had felt how hard he was – why was he torturing both of them?

Artemis unhooked and pulled off her bra next. "What if someone were to walk in right now?" he asked absently.

Holly's eyes grew wide in panic. Just then, she felt him abruptly insert one long finger into her, burying it to his knuckle, and she cried out as she felt herself contract around the digit.

"Gods, Holly..." Artemis whispered against her ear. "Why are you so aroused right now?" He removed his finger for half a second before adding a second, making Holly clench against the table. He moved his lips to the back of her neck as he spoke. "You're almost as twisted as I am, aren't you, pet?"

Holly's hands were starting to turn pale as she clutched the table harder. She felt him remove his fingers, and then finally, _finally_, felt him start to enter her. She moaned, suddenly thankful for his tie, as she cried out with each thrust. While he wasn't being cruel, he wasn't being gentle either. His hand snaked around her waist before he brought it down to her clit, flicking it.

Holly momentarily lost her grip on the table, the pleasure that swept over her making her dizzy. Artemis moved faster, pushing harder into her as he played with her clit. Holly screamed as her orgasm overtook her, quivering against the table, and she soon felt Artemis come inside her.

Holly went limp, laying against the table, as Artemis panted into her bare back. A moment later, he pulled the tie out of her mouth as he uncoupled himself from her, and Holly pushed herself up, wishing she could just flop down into a chair.

Artemis blinked down at her before smiling gently. "Come here," he said, pulling her closer. He helped her put her shirt back on before peeling his blazer off and draping it over her shoulders.

Holly just stared at him, dazed. "What... What are we..."

Artemis pulled her against him and pecked her lips. "I told Mrs. Horton the truth."

"The truth?" Holly echoed. "How did you-?"

"Not the whole truth, darling, that would have been silly. I simply told her that we're in a relationship, and that you were just having a bad day." Artemis picked up her panties off the floor, and wrinkled his nose. "We're probably going to have to throw these out. Who knows when they last mopped..."

"Artemis!" Holly exclaimed, pulling the blazer tighter around herself. "What if they heard?"

"Over the deep fryer and the dinner rush?" Artemis snorted. He recognized Holly's bag hanging on the coat rack and dropped her lingerie in it. "Shall we?" he asked, carrying the bag for her.

Holly followed him out of the break room on shaky legs, but stopped when she spotted Daniel's cup of caramel latte on the back counter with the other dishes. It was half full, and she quickly picked it up, crossing her arms over her chest so that her elbow hid the cup.

Dione gave Holly a small smile as she followed Artemis out the door.

Artemis, now the perfect gentleman, held the passenger door open for her as Holly approached him.

"Arty... You're sort of psycho," Holly stated.

Artemis chuckled. "You aren't the first to say so."

Holly gazed up at him, trying very hard not to look _too_ innocent. "But I love you."

"I know," Artemis smirked, leaning toward her. "I love – _dammit_!" What was left of Daniel's latte was now running down his back.

Holly looked gleeful as she lowered the cup. "That's what you get for pinching me."

Artemis glowered at her, already starting to unbutton his shirt. "Get in the car."

Holly leaned in the doorway of the diner, gently dropping the tea cup on the closet table before she skipped into the car. Artemis, now wearing a white wife beater, was sitting in the driver's seat, glaring at the road as he pulled out of the parking lot. She thought his angry face was extremely cute... Not that she would ever tell him that.

Instead, choosing to call a truce, Holly leaned over to peck his cheek. "I've been waitressing all day, and you're covered in tea and latte." She grinned when he glanced at her with a raised eyebrow. "We need a shower."

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A/n

Probably not my best A/H, but was up all night writing it. I'm going to try updating more of my fanfics, but updates will probably be... Slow. ... I'm not sure what the plan is yet. But I'm back. And that's better than nothing, right? Right?

I heart you, plz review.

Luv, the Creatress


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